Right and wrong

From time to time Coppelia asked herself whether they got what they deserved. Had they been foolish? Were they being unfair to H? They had now enjoyed ten months together - should they be satisfied with this? Should he, a man who had already enjoyed a long and happy marriage, have forgone this a second chance to enjoy some years of true love, at the end of his life? Should he have sacrificed his own happiness to keep H happy?

Were they wrong to have decieved her so long, perhaps it would have been better to announce the truth to H months ago. Yet Coppelia was convinced the path they chose was the kinder one. They could not avoid hurting H, but seeking to break the truth to her in stages would surely reduce her pain - how could that be wrong?

We can all find a way to justify our actions if we really want to, however wrong they are. Was that what they did? Dressing up their immoral behaviour with a false righteousness? How she wrestled with these things in the time that followed H's return from Germany. She could tell he was under great strain, seeing and hearing daily H's suffering as she tried to come to terms with his news. She began asking him if he 'had another woman' and he denied this, still wanting to wait...

Coppelia's fears grew and grew, as his guilt took hold. If they parted now, what kind of life would he have? How could he live at peace with H? They could not now undo what had happened and how they felt. For her part, she just had to share her life with this man - she did not want to die never knowing what this would be like.

What they had together was rare, and her resentment towards H grew each day. Why should Coppelia forego this chance, this chance that may never come her way again? H had been happily married for some years before meeting him. Coppelia had never experienced that. H was 80, Coppelia was 47. H was in fragile health, her years numbered - so if he left H now, she would not be missing much time with him. He, though very fit was now 78. To throw their love away would be a crime. Whichever way Coppelia studied it she reached the same conclusion: all should give way for their love. Their love could not be wrong - ever.

Wait. Time will do our work for us now. Wait. So they gradually grew into this new way of being, living with the strain which they convinced themselves would diminish over the coming months. H seemed to relax more after a week or two. A lightness returned to their times together. Days of joy and laughter kept their hope alive, their commitment to one another was a constant comfort. They would get through this. Parting was unthinkable.

It was just a normal conversation, when he rang her from Kings Cross station late that Thursday evening. They chatted and laughed about the day he had spent with his old friend, Ralph. The same friend he had been with when they first met ten months ago. The next time I see Ralph you must come too, he would love to meet you, he told her. Before he hung up to catch his train home, they had arranged to speak the next day and then meet the day after, Saturday July 7th, for a long walk by the river they loved.

That was the last night she would know peace for a very long time. She had no idea of the nightmare that had already begun crawling towards her as she slept.