"It's like relearning the universe..." coming to terms with no longer being loved - the difference it makes creeping in more and more as time goes on... Yes, the conversation continues, the closeness lingers, but the closeness does not grow. And nothing in the world is the same. Yes, whatever he feels for her now is close enough to love for Coppelia to believe that his love may return. But it is now six weeks since he told her he no longer loved her. So, his love may return - but it may not.The reality sinks in, and right now happiness and hope seem to exist only in the past. Looking back, constantly. She finds happiness in memories. Why does that happen so often, and usually so unbidden? Her present is full, demanding, stimulating. Why does past happiness come shooting at her here, there, out of the blue? The natural cycle of mourning for that which is lost. Again.
It hit her when they parted after meeting earlier this week - how long it was since she last heard him say " I do love you." It must be nearly two months now? - so often they would have been his parting words to her.
Of course Coppelia still tells him "I love you" but how hard that is, knowing the words are no longer returned to her. Instead, a silence hangs between them which hurts her ears as if he had screamed.
Love itself would always bind them warmly and reassuringly when apart - she always knew that he felt as she did, they were united by something beyond themselves which was deep, unshakeable.
The peace inside Coppelia today is not a quiet peace, but the peace of resignation. The warm peace described on this book's previous page has not turned cold - but she is now realising it is not enough. He will no doubt be content to see her like this for as long as life or the absence of catastrophe permits.
How strange the reality of not being loved by him. After all this time , and after all that happened.
The universe Coppelia is slowly re-learning is a universe she resists inhabiting, a universe of alien, cold truths where her aloneness throws a loud, echoing cry across the furthest reaches of space.
