"Always remember..."

Coppelia prayed for him that morning. He would be well prepared but nervous, he would dread the moment. Yet it had to be done. She wished she could save him from this ordeal. When he rang her later that day, he was subdued and clearly shaken. From relief, yes, but also because H had broken down and become inconsolable. They had wrongly believed his decision would be no great surprise to H, after all the two of them had grown more apart in recent years. Yet her reaction was one of shock, fear and almost hysteria.

He had made it clear to H that, although he would be away much more, he would not desert her. They could still share a house and he would remain a reliable friend - but she had refused to accept the idea of their no longer being 'officially a couple' but two friends living independent lives. He had reminded her that, from the start, they had only ever been friends. Each with their own bedroom, each with their own bathroom, each spending much time with their own friends and activities. For, however hard she had wished it, theirs was not, nor ever had been, a relationship of romance or even love.

He told Coppelia how H had claimed to 'really love' him, and wanted them to grow closer.

"If she really loved you, she would want you to be happy, to be free to be the person you need to be," was her reply.

So the feeling of freedom and relief that could have been theirs, was tempered by his concern over H's reaction, and over the deterioration in her existing poor health that ensued during the coming weeks: H's blood pressure caused problems, she was often tearful and became withdrawn and quiet. When, in June, H was invited to visit her family in Germany for two weeks they hoped this may provide her with the space and support to help her come to terms with his decision.

On being giving so much time on their own, they didn't need to think twice - they returned to walk the hills and moors in Yorkshire, followed by a few days nearer home following the Nene Valley path in Northamptonshire.

Her heart began to darken in those days. Had they been naive? Had they misjudged so badly? She began to see that H's resistance to his news could yet forge them apart; this phantom now haunted the dreams they still shared, the plans they still talked of.

For, no matter how deep his love for Coppelia, one truth now seemed to be seeping like a poison into his consciousness - he had given H his word he would care for her and ensure she was content; he owed her. Now his actions were threatening H's life.

Guilt. Coppelia had once read that guilt had more power than love.

Certainly during those days they lived some warm and wonderful times, they made beautiful memories which she still treasures, yet a poison was, indeed, at work. She read it in his eyes, heard it in his words.

She assured him that H would adjust in time, he must remember what they said on reaching this decision - allow a year, it was bound to be hard at first, and important not to lose their nerve in the face of H's emotion. Keep their eyes on the long view. The worse part was over, now all they had to do was wait. He had done the right thing. When H was calmer and more self-sufficient, he could reveal that he had fallen in love. He would offer H the choice - remain living there whilst he moved to Norfolk with Coppelia, or buy her a place of her own. In either case he would still meet with her as a friend, provide for her and ensure her material needs were met.

Of course, he went along with all this, and promised Coppelia his commitment to her was unchanged.

One night during that week in North Yorkshire, she had cried when they had talked of these things. She couldn't help suddenly feeling insecure, she feared losing him. She had woken in the night, left him sleeping and sat alone on the end of the bed for a long time. Silently sobbing, silently praying, she watched him lying there and wished with all her heart they could stay where they were. Being with him, knowing he was there for her - so simple. Please, please, it can't go wrong. Not after all this time.This man, this man of many she had known, who brought her happiness she had always longed for, please don't let anything take him from me. He is old, our time is limited. Please don't let me lose him. I couldn't bear that.

For the first time she felt real anger towards H, who had shared his life for nine years. Now it was Coppelia's turn. How could H be so selfish as to deny him his freedom? They were not married, not in love. He had told her he needed space and independence - why could she not respect that? Coppelia knew she was being selfish but she couldnt help it. She needed him so much. She felt so afraid.

Her quiet sobbing disturbed him and he pulled her beside him. He then held her as she had never been held before, and has never been held since. The whole length of their bodies were pressed close, limbs wound tightly together, as if their lives depended on it. For some time they stayed as one, silent, clinging on in the darkness, streams of unspoken words coursing through the touching of their naked skin. No movement, no sound, almost breathing for each other. She had never felt closer to another human being.
The words came, softly spoken yet firm, his mouth was against her neck yet every one was heard

"I love you with my whole soul"

How she clung to that memory, long long after that night. Later he had told her he never knew he was capable of saying such a thing to anyone, let alone feeling that way. But it was true - she had reached the depths of him, she knew the deepest parts of him, that no one had ever known before. Not even his beloved wife. He asked her to always remember what he had said, whatever happened.

When she asked what he meant, he spoke of his being likely to die first. She laughed, pretending to believe him, not revealing the fear his comment had struck into her heart. They continued as if nothing had changed. Yet everything had changed.

She knew.