She prayed early that Saturday. A hot, bright day. On this day they were supposed to be walking by the river, a long outdoor lunch, then making love late in the afternoon...the weather taunted her, a perfect day for such plans as they had made, plans made a few days ago, before all this.
The truth slammed into her heart seconds after she woke. Anyone who has lived a shock like hers will know how that sledgehammer works. Like an axe left lodged in your chest, heart steadily bleeding. The walking wounded.
As she prayed she knew that her love for him would be what counted. Not her own agony, real though it was. Whatever happened, his happiness mattered more than her own. Later, it was this that stopped her from ending her life. However he had hurt her, she could not hurt him that way.
Love - that which she had lived by, now seemed a mirage. Did it exist? How could it? She knew the answer - for she knew her love for him was as deep and real as ever. She would hang on, somehow, through her love for him.
So it was that she arrived to meet him, her mind and heart as prepared as they could be, focussed not on what he had done to her, or her own hurt, but on her desire to ensure his happiness, to want the best for him. She reminded herself, this was what love was - not taking, but giving oneself for the other. Love itself was all that could save them.
If she really believed he would be happier without her, she would let him go. If she really believed he no longer loved her and wanted to be with her, she would find it in herself to live with this truth, to go on, because she would know he was happy.
Like a mantra, she had seeped herself in words like these, so that by the time he arrived, despite the turmoil of yesterday, she was aware of a kind of serenity and she thanked God for this.
The trembling and fear that rose up, making her feel sick, nearly overtook her as she watched his car turn into the town centre car park where they had arranged to meet. "God, help me to love him," she prayed into her trembling hands.
As she neared his car towards the driver's side he got out and quickly closed the door behind him. Before she could open her mouth, he stood squarely between her and the vehicle and said,
"H has come with me, she's in the car."
The truth slammed into her heart seconds after she woke. Anyone who has lived a shock like hers will know how that sledgehammer works. Like an axe left lodged in your chest, heart steadily bleeding. The walking wounded.
As she prayed she knew that her love for him would be what counted. Not her own agony, real though it was. Whatever happened, his happiness mattered more than her own. Later, it was this that stopped her from ending her life. However he had hurt her, she could not hurt him that way.
Love - that which she had lived by, now seemed a mirage. Did it exist? How could it? She knew the answer - for she knew her love for him was as deep and real as ever. She would hang on, somehow, through her love for him.
So it was that she arrived to meet him, her mind and heart as prepared as they could be, focussed not on what he had done to her, or her own hurt, but on her desire to ensure his happiness, to want the best for him. She reminded herself, this was what love was - not taking, but giving oneself for the other. Love itself was all that could save them.
If she really believed he would be happier without her, she would let him go. If she really believed he no longer loved her and wanted to be with her, she would find it in herself to live with this truth, to go on, because she would know he was happy.
Like a mantra, she had seeped herself in words like these, so that by the time he arrived, despite the turmoil of yesterday, she was aware of a kind of serenity and she thanked God for this.
The trembling and fear that rose up, making her feel sick, nearly overtook her as she watched his car turn into the town centre car park where they had arranged to meet. "God, help me to love him," she prayed into her trembling hands.
As she neared his car towards the driver's side he got out and quickly closed the door behind him. Before she could open her mouth, he stood squarely between her and the vehicle and said,
"H has come with me, she's in the car."
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