Have you ever been in love?

If you have been reading this from the beginning, I am wondering how you are feeling by now. Have you ever been in love in the way she was in love? Have you ever been swept along by that warm, close and uplifting certainty that another cherishes you and accepts you for who you really are, another takes enormous pleasure in you, appreciates you, makes you feel so good? If you have not, then this may all seem to you only so much self-indulgence, a fairy tale, a self-deluding adventure detached from reality...have you ever found another affect you in a way no-one else has, help you feel alive in a new way, so that you treasure that person more than your own life, you know that ensuring their peace and happiness means more to you than looking to your own wants and desires. Your desire is just that - to see them fulfilled and joyous, to share with them what being alive can really mean. This sense of shared destiny, this deep satisfaction of reaching another and being reached by them, in a way that makes your spirit soar - this means you find you cannot imagine life without them.

That is how it came to be for her, for him. They spoke of how they felt so bound together, that it was unthinkable to speak of never seeing one another again. For, as time passed and they had to endure seeing one another within the constraints imposed by his living with H, the difficulty of their position was often discussed. What would the future hold? What should they do? His initial certainty about never hurting H, who, being two years older than he and in much frailer health, he did feel a strong sense of duty for, began to fade. They could not see how they could carry on like this indefinitely... How he wished he had met her 8 years ago! He never would have believed he could fall in love with anyone again, his love for his wife had been constant and strong all those years, he had never wanted another woman in that way or sought one. The relationship with H, which came about through a shared need for comfort and companionship as they lived out their old age, was a consolation for loneliness. He told her that, if he had realised he would fall in love again he never would have entered into that commitment - but it seemed totally impossible that such a thing should happen to him.

Thus, whilst they spent many days and dreams together, the reality of his commitment to H played in the shadows. He took her several times to his holiday home on the Norfolk coast, in a town he had always loved, and where he and his wife had spent many happy days. They walked by the sea, on the cliffs, by the estuary. This became a special destination for them - it was 'theirs' a place she loved as he did, and for the same reasons. Nearer to Christmas that year they had a night in London, two days of laughter, deep conversations and much affection. Like her, he had a child-like quality, he had retained a sense of awe and wonder about the world, and a playfulness which she adored. His Christian faith had diminished when his wife had died, and he continued to feel sad about this. He missed that sense of God, but despite trying hard could not find the path again. He told her how much it meant to him that her faith was alive, that she practiced her faith within and beyond her church.

Exploring the idea of God and the many mysteries of life took up endless hours, he loved the way he could speak of these things with her and she would understand, she would not laugh or judge him. Debating far and wide on all manner of issues - regardless of whether they were in agreement or not - was utter delight to them both. A Tory and a Socialist! Are you surprised to learn their values and beliefs on many moral or political concerns were actually the same - it was just that their ways of dealing with these concerns would often involve opposing methods.. yet this not once gave reason to fall out. No, it provided fascination and interest in the other's view, and a sincere effort to understand and respect each other. More than anything - endless laughter. A new year began.

In February they travelled to Belgium, to see the war graves, something he had always wanted to do and now had just the right person to accompany him. These blissful few days - the longest time they had spent together - sealed reality for them with a jolt when they returned home. Together. Close. Now absent again, for days on end. This could not go on. She had slept and woken with him beside her night after night in Belgium, now facing an empty bed not knowing how long it would be before he would lie next to her again - suddenly she knew this was breaking her. She told herself she must be thankful, just be happy for the times they DID have...but how could she? His being in her life could not be turned on and off like a tap. She needed security, the comfort of knowing how this may play out in the future. Some tearful phone calls followed, he confessed he too felt increasingly uneasy and in need of more cetainty as to how their relationship was to develop. They needed more than these scraps of time together...